Joe Neal: A parody on the ADEQ's absurd ruling on Hog Pen in Buffalo River watershed

Just in case you have put another "lifer" under your birdwatcher's belt and are feeling pretty sanguine about Arkansas "The Natural State" and its many habitats for birds, I want to let you know that I have decided to build a hog factory in my backyard here in Fayetteville, home of the Arkansas Razorbacks, "Athens of the Ozarks." Not to worry. And, by the way, this is your formal notice. 

I'm unsure how nesting Northern Cardinals, Great Crested Flycatchers, Brown Thrashers, Downy Woodpeckers, Northern Flickers, Gray Catbirds, and Carolina Wrens are going to feel about it. But under Arkansas law, how they feel about it, and how it may impact their lives and families, is not an issue. 

 The State of Arkansas, The Natural State, the Vacation Paradise, has given its blessing. I guess that means our state bird, the Northern Mockingbird, has also given its blessing, though I have not received formal feedback from the one that nests up by my driveway and sings on summer nights there. I've heard no voting quacks from overflying Mallards.

I don't have Dianas in my yard, so I'm not concerned about the state butterfly.

I'm turning the back half of my 1-acre into a hog waste holding pond. I'm pretty sure it will hold wastes under most rain events, but in case, it can flow into an unnamed springfed branch of Scull Creek, then under College Avenue, then down past Wilson Park, along the bike trail, and eventually into the Illinois River and Lake Tenkiller in Oklahoma.

I'm pretty sure it won't damage the environment, or the neighbor's yards, or the resale value of their homes, won't impact them every time they draw a breath. And hope you don't mind "pretty sure." But then, if it does, that's why god gave us the OOPS word. I have the legal blessing of our Natural State environmental quality agency. Oops is OK.

I have been bird watching for years, but increasingly, it doesn't pay. Hence, my hog factory and the nice big federal loan I got. I want to thank all Federal tax payers for helping out this poor ole boy on Cleburn Street. The paperwork wasn't as tough as you might think. Didn't hire any biologists. Didn't consult any of you bird watchers. No worry about little cave critters down there. What the neighbors think about it doesn't matter.